I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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