Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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