My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
