I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
