I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
