i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
