tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
