I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize