Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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