she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can't put those talents on a resume
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
