We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
