I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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