Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize