I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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