Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
