Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
