Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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