I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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