Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
