you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
