what if every blade of grass was a penis?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
