The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
