I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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