Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
