found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
