I cannot find my penis.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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