Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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