Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
