Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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