you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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