It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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