well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
