There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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