Soap is not a condiment
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
