Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
