I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
