i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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