I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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