Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
