Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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