Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
