She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
