Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
