well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
