please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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