I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My brain says no but my pants say off.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
