I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
