nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
