My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize