Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
