at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I forget how to act sober
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