I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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