Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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