i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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