a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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