So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
