I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
