Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
