I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
